-Quadriplegics & Murderball. (classic h00rj)

Okay girls and boys, sit down and grab a muffin.  It’s time to tell the story of why I’m in a autowheelmochair.

It all started with me lettin’ japa-dude1, Keigo, drive my sportsy type japa-vehicamobile.  We were transporting japa-dude2, Friend Painter, to his japa-home at a “japa-excessive rate of speed on japa-no-name road”.

Japa-dude1 lost control of my gomobox and slid us sideways into a japa-pole.  Japa-poles being made of japa-reinforced CEment, don’t move much so we all were “japa-thrown from the vehicle”.

Me, being the nice guy I am, dove through the windshield first, human-projectile’DO A BARREL ROLL’d my way through a metal japa-trash holdermajoogle (holdermajoogle=equals=owned), and slid accross some old japa-dude’s japa-yard, disasterizing a japa-fence alongtop-of that.

Keigo followed me out the window, missed the holdermajoogle and skidded to a japa-halt some-japa-where.

Friend Painter engaged Extreme Evasive Maneuver Mode (EEMM), rolled out the side window, got up, called the police, and walked home because he had work early in the morning.

So, here I am, broken white guy.  Right side walking actuator (Tom) broker’d in two spots, and left side standing device squished in the footal region.  Thorsly, NO STANDING, WALKING, OR LEANING.  The evil Dr. Yao sayzz, “Yew can proberly warlk in sthree oar fawer weeeeks.”

That’s the end of the story, now get your mats and your milk, I’ll turn on Sesame Street.

The nurse just walked in whilst I wherst proof-reading this… out loud. ShethinksI’mcrazy Yay.

related linkage: http://cargosquish.xxd.cc/

Published on March 15, 2011 7:58 pm.
Filed under: Classic h00rj Tags: , ,

-My car’s loud again.

Let’s view the running total, shall we?

1st car – Ford Tempo $200 – Entire exhaust system removed and left behind while traveling at an excessive rate of speed on a back-wisconsin dirt road.

2nd car – Ford Probe(with the fancy body-kit to make it look like a mustang) $1200 – Muffler left dragging after “railroad jump”.

3rd car – Toyota MR2 2nd Edition model $2400 – Exhaust rusted and fell off.

4th car – Subaru Legacy $200 – Exhaust removed and left after traveling at an excessive rate of speed on a beach somewhere in japan… I was drunk, I don’t remember where.

5th car – Nissan Skyline $1000 – Exhaust lodged in the side of some japa-dude’s house during the famous “car vs pole” conflict of ’05.

6th car – Toyota Sprinter $100 – Exhaust torn to shreds and left in pieces on a tollway in japan, after going over an arched bridge at speeds I’d rather not describe.

7th car – 1976 VW Bug $3000 – Bought a nice chrome exhaust system and jigsawed the muffler off.

It seems I’m not meant to drive a nice quiet car.

Although, there are benefits to a loud car:

- Niether people nor animals dare tread across the road anywhere near me, some even shy away to the far side of the sidewalk.
- Small children and elderly people often yell out in surprise.
- People run if they’re crossing the road in front of me.
- Black people who often stand or walk down the center of parkinglots hastily perform the “get out the way” maneuver.
- Hot chicks stare(more like glare)at me, allowing me the chance to stare back.
- VROOM VURGHUGHUGHROOOOOM KAPAOWPAH PAH PAH VRGGHGHHGGHGROOOOOOOOOOM!!

Published on February 10, 2011 5:54 am.
Filed under: Classic h00rj Tags:

-DUDE HOLEY CRAP

Have you ever stared at your own nadsack for an extended period of time?

I was bored sittin’ there waitin’ for some tard to get back from a “bio break”(aka he was takin’ a crap) in CoV, and It felt like that time Mika kicked me in the crotch, so I looked down at jimmy and the hairy twins for awhile… Well SCROTAR THE HOLDERIZOR was all movin’ around squirreley like a lava lamp, and I swear my testes were WRESTLING eachother… something’s alive in there.

Is this motion how the spermses is created? Maybe the testes knead the spermdough into ejaculatory PIIEEE for later FERTILIXXXATIONIZING of teh VAGINAS.

The new screensaver on every computer at work is that 3D spinny word thing with the word VAGINA spinnin’ a lil too fast to read. I was bored all day today…

Published on February 9, 2011 5:59 am.
Filed under: Classic h00rj, Thoughts of -dAve Tags: , , , ,

-To win a war.

THE ULTIMATE WEAPON

Retards.

We all know retards possess super-human strength and a great tolerance to pain.

So let’s “enhance” them:

Steroids. Make them bulk up, increasing their super-human strength to super-bear strength x 2.

Painkillers. Vicodin, Percocet, something strong to increase their pain tolerance, possibly numbing them.

Football helmets. Protects yer head. And perfectly suits a retard.

Fire. They can’t feel pain anyway, and it makes them more awesome ON FIRE.

Now, to best utilize these flaming, ‘roided out, numb tards we need to shoot them out cannons.

Once they destroy whatever they impact(helmet for safety) they can get up and wreak havoc on the surrounding terrain, destroying tractors and eating people’s brains, or whatever it is angry burning retards do in their free time.

Published on January 27, 2011 8:11 pm.
Filed under: Classic h00rj, Thoughts of -dAve Tags:

-Quite possibly the most sexual sound EVAR.

Ok, goto McBurger’s Chickenbon and get yourself a straw. Not just any straw, the bendy kind.

Take it out of the paper (carefully, gently, sensually).

Clear your mind, while sitting (or laying) in a quiet room (preferably naked and alone).

Hold the straw close to your ear (your good one). Now, take a deep breath, exhale and slowly stretch the virgin straw ooouuuttt.

Most straws are only good for a few stretchings, any more and she gets worn out and loose like an old boot.

And always remember, “No.” means “I would like it in the butt first.”

Published on January 26, 2011 7:01 am.
Filed under: Classic h00rj, Thoughts of -dAve Tags:

-I had a dream 4: A new mode of travel.

OHMANOHMANohman I sneezed while I was jizzing. I think I hovered.

Last night I had another episode of “Dreams of Ecks Dee, my awexxxome future daughter who’ll take over the future world.”

This dream takes place some time in the future, Ecks Dee is now five or six years old. I still happen to be in the navy, only because I was promoted to Master Chief Petty Officer of the World after inventing a robotic machine very similar to a Gundam. One of which, of course, I piloted. Being awesome and flying around over water and blowing up ships and such. This was the first half of the dream, me blowing up things.

The second half takes place at my parent’s house. I’m on leave and visiting my folks, I also bring along my daughter. We find out later in the afternoon that something seems odd about li’l Dee, as Ma calls her. While Ecks is playing in the yard we notice that the grass around her is growing unbelievably fast… and somehow sprouting flowers. We call her to the deck and ask her what’s going on. She says she likes the grass, because it feels good to roll on. She then walks over to a dying flower in a pot at the edge of the deck, touches it, and it grows into giant vines that climb up over the house, starts chasing some squirrels, and then devours them. We tell her she can go back to playing.
From the neighbor’s yard comes a dog. It runs towards Ecks and proceeds to tackle her. Shortly after, the dog dies a sudden, silent death.

Apparently, Ecks Dee will have the ability to heal/aid the things she likes, and kill the things she doesn’t like simply with a touch. Not as cool as the laser eyes I had imagined… but useful nonetheless. She was still young at the time, so the grass eventually shrunk back to normal, but the dog remained dead, so did the neighbor-guy who tried to scold her.

The part just before I woke up, I was running a marathon in the livingroom… that’s right, going around in circles along the walls jumping from the couch to the coffee table, over the end-table and past the christmas tree(yes, in summer). I think I won.

The vines continued eating birds and small creatures, including the other neighbor’s cat.

Published on January 22, 2011 12:01 pm.
Filed under: Classic h00rj, XD Tags: , ,

-I had a dream 3: Giraffes in the air

So, those of you who have been reading this crap may know that I’ve been documenting some dreams I’ve been having about the future mother of my future awesome future daughter who’ll future take over the future world.

Well, I had another awesome dream last night. Continuing the story.

This dream takes place after our first meeting(after the second dream, before the first one) Keep with me, it’s like a Quentin Tarantino film, end comes first, then we go over the story to show you what happened upto the end that you just saw.(you HAVE to read the others before reading this, or you’ll be confused… tho you’ll likely be confused anyway)

I had a dream 3: Giraffes in the air
It starts out, I’m in a flower shop, owned and managed by my mom. For some reason the floor is flooded with water. I think it has something to do with the flesh eating plants that roam about on the floor, looking for any small creature to snatch up. I’m visiting my mom, just for the day. She steps out to grab some meat for the carnivorous plants, and as I’m lookin’ around I notice a familiar face come into the store. It’s the girl from the cross-stitch class. “I never did call her. I wonder if she remembers me.”, I think to myself.
Before I really realize it, she has me pinned against the wall. She says, “Remember me…” I push her off, and we start an awesome battle complete with roundhouse kicks and backflips and water flyin’ everywhere(quite cool if I do say so myself), the whole time her clothes(black jean-jacket, Black jeans, and a Judas Priest T-shirt, also black) are getting ripped apart. In one awesome maneuver while she kicks me, I grab her leg and tear her pants straight off… Well, it was over after that. We then consummated the relationship on the floor, in the water(possibly at this time conceiving Ecks Dee). My mom comes back just as we finish, and somehow we both have clean, un-ripped apart clothes on, and I’m pretending to show her some plants.(we’re NINJAS!)

I’ll let you all know when this happens. We all need to prepare for the awesome random battles that will happen after Ecks Dee is born.

Published on January 20, 2011 7:19 am.
Filed under: Classic h00rj, XD Tags: ,

-I had a dream 2: The deaf leopard

Last night I dremt about meeting Ecks Dee’s mom. Ya know, the one that exploded in the last dream.

Oh, it was a magical moment at a lovely little cross-stitching class. (cross-stitching class?) Yes. I know. But hear me out. We were both there doing community service. (huh?) Shh. Anyway, I was trying to figure out how to cross-stitch “this sucks” and I happened to glance over at what the hot chick next to me was doin’.
She was cross-stitching a tank runnin’ over a dude. (awesome) Shush, now. She was all goth and awesome lookin’, and I knew right then that she would have my awesome child.
After the class, she got into her truck and took off, running over some children on the way. As I watched her drive off, I looked down at the sidewalk and saw a cross-stitch.
It was the tank, and at the bottom was cross-stitched “you suck call me”.

Sadly, when I woke up I didn’t remember the number. (psh, you wouldn’t have called it even if you did remember) Psh, yes I would have. I totally would have.

“The deaf leopard says, ‘Hah?’”

Published on January 16, 2011 6:29 am.
Filed under: Classic h00rj, XD Tags: , ,

-I had a dream…

… and it was awesome. Last night I dreamt that Ecks Dee was born, at the beginning of a rebellion. 

Her mom died an explosive death shortly after giving birth to her, so I was running around with her tucked under my arm, duckin’ and dodgin’ and shootin’ and winnin’ against the ninjas. It was all very exciting, and in full three D’s! 

Explosions, backflips, and NINJAS. You should have been there. It was 14 flavors of fun! 
Now remember kids, when Ecks Dee is born, there will be civil unrest, anarchy, and overly-greasy potato chips. So, be sure to stock up on guns, ammo, and at least a gallon or two of awesome. 

I got a few barrels of awesome stored out back, if’n'yaneedsta borrow some, just ask.

Published on January 8, 2011 6:30 am.
Filed under: Classic h00rj, XD Tags: ,

Bravesperm

 

     The warriors rush onto the battlefield. It is just how they had planned. The towering  shining castle lies the middle of the open field completely unguarded. The occupants apparently oblivious to the oncoming raid. The warriors trudge forward through the muck  readying their weapons  unsure of what awaits them inside the castle  unsure even of how they will enter the castle. Their commander  a sharp-witted  narrow man named dAve had simply stated during the briefing   "We will overturn that stone when we get to it."  They approach the castle its glorious might towering over them  like the sun in the sky.  "It's millions bigger 'n I'd ever imagined it."  shouts one soldier  stricken by the castle's pure  untouchable majesty.

     Surrounding the castle is of course as is around every castle EVER a moat. This moat, however appears as though it is filled with blood. Upon closer inspection the commander confirms that it is in fact blood.  "The blood of millions… "  rolls off his lips. He looks around as if someone else had put those words in his mouth.  "We must clear this moat.", he shouts to those willing to listen. An "Aye Aye SIR."  roars through the crowd and the first brave man steps forward into the moat.  "Okay  plan B… ", states the commander as that once brave man silently disappears into the depths of the treacherous moat only adding to its volume.  "We must build a BRIDGE.", he continues looking over his ready and willing crew.

     Several attempts at bridge building fail. As the other side of the moat is flush with the castle wall yielding no place for the bridge to rest. Anything that touches the blood of the moat only disappears making the moat swell deeper.

     The men  now listless and frustrated  begin to quarrel amongst themselves. A fight breaks out ending in one man killed by his own comrade. Push comes to shove  shove comes to punch  punch comes to stab. It's all out WAR . The soldiers are killing one another for no apparent reason. The dust settles  the final scream echoes over the land and one man is left standing. The now cavalry-less former-commander dAve stops flailing his sword drops his dead human shield and surveys the remains of the battle.  "I win!", he shouts with an odd sense of pride confusing himself. How can he consider himself a winner… his entire army is dead. The castle lies unscathed just yards away. His dreams of taking this land for his country are now shattered.

     The ground begins to shake with an oddly familiar rhythm. He panics and seeks shelter ducking into a small cavern a short ways away from the castle. Peeking through a tiny crevice he can see an army approaching. It's almost identical to his own. They approach the castle from the very same direction  and in the exact same manner fail at crossing the moat. It's like watching himself from a distance. Just like his own crew this one breaks out into battle. Only this time no one is left standing.

     Shortly after the ground shakes again  and yet another army approaches. Everything EXACTLY the same. Only this time  there 's one man left standing. Without thinking and not really certain of what he's doing he picks up his sword and throws it like a javelin through the heart of the sole survivor. Again   "I win!" comes out of his mouth. Even though he cannot determine what it is exactly that he is winning.

     For some time this continues. Ground shakes, army comes,  army kills itself. He watches from the safety of his cavern  keeping in mind his original goal of taking the castle…

     One day the ground begins to shake but this time it's different. The rhythm of the shaking is completely different. Something is wrong. He watches through the crevice. Indeed an army is coming… but the army is strange. The soldiers are by far intellectually inferior to the ones he's been watching for what seems like eons.

     They hastily storm toward the castle and without a single thought try to leap over the moat. It is true, they are strong  able jumpers  but they jump headlong into the side of the castle  resulting in little more than a thud followed by a splash into the pool of blood.

     dAve watches in amazement at their stupidity chuckling softly to himself. One of them, apparently lost, wanders close to the entrance of his cavern. Like a burrowing spider dAve snatches him in and binds him.  He has been planning for this moment. From the gunpowder of the many fallen soldier's guns he has fashioned a belt. An explosive belt. He just needed some way to hurl the immensely heavy belt across the moat at the broadside of the castle hopefully ending with a bang and a hole in the side of the castle for which he would like to use as a front door.

     Here sits his shiney new belt-thrower wriggling around on the floor. dAve props his new friend up against the wall and looks happily into his face.  "What is your name friend?",  he inquires grinning. The soldier can only respond in grunts and unintelligible utterances.  "That's nice, I'm dAve… and you, Jim… I 'll call you Jim are my key to that castle. "dAve knows that this man only has one thought on his mind, "jump at castle" and is merely biding his time until the army outside suicides itself.

     The roaring and clanging subsides and dAve smiles as he hears one last 'GRAAAHHHH-thud – - splash.'  "Time to go Jim!", dAve says as though trying to rouse a puppy.  "Put on your belt!" dAve stands him up and ties the belt around his new friend's waist.  "Lessgo!  Lessgo!!" dAve unbinds "Jim" and excitedly leads him outside.  "GO! GO!! GOOOO!!!", he yells  pointing Jim towards the castle and giving him a shove. Jim takes off like a dart towards the bullseye.  "GIT 'EM BOY! GIT  'EM!",  dAve continues egging him on while jogging after him. Just as expected Jim leaps full-fury into the castle wall resulting in not a weak thud but an explosion that rocks the very soul of the world.

     dAve grins larger than he's ever grinned in his short life and screams, "I WIN!!!" while leaping over the moat into his newly-formed front door unsure of what's inside but ready for anything

-The End…

or rather, The Beginning

Published on January 3, 2011 1:38 am.
Filed under: Uncategorized Tags:

-dAve’s background noise of the day

Hulu – Desert Punk:

It’s a classic, haven’t seen it in a couple years.  Good times.

Published on December 25, 2010 4:52 am.
Filed under: anime Tags: